Something About that Hamster Wheel

Please don't get me wrong. I don't come from a place of lacking empathy on this particular topic. Like many black women my age I too have a testimony about the emotional damage done by black men. Over ten years ago I spent four years with a man who never had any intention of doing right by me.  Respecting me, protecting me, marrying me, washing me in the water of the Word...nah he wasn't about any of it. He was about himself and what he wanted to take from me. And he took all I would give. My body, my joy, money, time, so many precious things, he took. I let him, though. And I take full accountability for my part in that, for my sin. However I don't take any credit for having the strength to walk away from it and stay away. I was empowered to do that only by the grace of God and I will forever be grateful. 

As I read that 4:43 blog post it truly took me back to that place, back to the hurt, the pain, the helplessness, the relational idolatry, the emotional slavery. I remember going on similar rants about black men, and I won't say that what Candice had to say there is totally untrue. I do believe there is a ton of broken black men. Some who are even Christians who on a large scale have not been discipled or mentored? They have not been taught how to treat a woman of God. So in many instances they come into the church and treat women the same way they did when they were in the world. I've encountered many black men who will tell you they're a Christian. Yet, nothing about their lives resembles a life that had been transformed by Christ. And I find as of late, many brothers in Christ know their Bibles. These brothers know and can regurgitate the doctrine backwards and forward. Missing from the equation is the accountability to Christ and other mature Christians that will reap solid, consistent application of biblical principles. I say all of that to say this; I am still under no obligation to submit to being treated like trash in a relationship, by anyone for any reason. 

"I wonder if you realize the cost we pay for loving men like you."

I grieve daily over this cost. Whenever I counsel a hurting woman, I feel their pain. Whenever I think back on my past, I pray for a reprieve from shame. Whenever I reminisce about the hurt passed between two people made in the image of God, I grieve. I see the remnants of this sinful cycle in myself and in my sisters and brothers: bitterness, residual pain, self-protecting mechanisms, bad boundaries (too many boundaries or not enough), depression, self-harm, distance from Christ, and isolating...among many other wounds, and I weep and lament. I pray against bitterness, which is always stalking me. Plead with God for grace, for it all. Praise Him for continued healing, from it all. I cry out, in prayer, for those who are lost and still enslaved to sin. 

The cost of sin is steep. Yet, it is a price we willfully chose to pay. We choose who we love. We chose to stay in sinful anti-biblical circumstances. We chose to continue to incur the damage, emotionally, physically, and most damaging of all, spiritually. And unfortunately I don't see many who rant about how horrible someone was to them in a relationship while simultaneously taking full accountability for their part in staying in said relationship. We stayed, we pay...simple as that. As I read the quote above and notice the tacit (or maybe not so tacit) accusation towards black men, I have to admit, my empathy starts to wane a bit. 

I don't want to stumble into self righteous land, by any means. As you can see above I have been this person, been in this place several times. Had to repent, had to preach the Gospel to myself. Yet I can't help but ask where is the accountability for the fact that we choose who we love? Where do we as Christians begin to take ownership for our bad decisions and sin? Instead of pointing outward to others and their sin? Do we grieve as much and as loudly over our own sins? (Mark 7:15-20)

"Who Made These Rules?"

Well it depends. For the professed Christian, Christ dictates terms. Period.

I won't say that we have crystal clear instructions on every circumstance that will confront the single Christian. We do, however, have clear direction on what isn't acceptable. 

We know that premarital sex isn't acceptable (Gen 2:24), thus cohabitating is out of the question. We know that we are to guard our hearts (Prov 4:23). We must keep appropriate physical and emotional boundaries with our brothers and sisters prior to marriage. We know that we are called to marry in the Lord. We cannot be unequally yoked with those who are not Christians (2 Corin 6:14). With this command we thus can deduce, we should not date those who are not Christians, as that would ultimately lead to marriage with someone who is not in Christ. These are things that we as single Christians should know for sure, and pray for the grace to walk in, even if we never marry. 

Now I know what you're thinking...easier said than done. I get that. Many of the commands in Scripture are very hard things, issues of life that we all have to wrestle with daily. We must be willing to engage in that battle with our sin. As I read Candice's words, all I could think about is how many men I've walked away from because I know the call. I know what the Bible says. Anything that will move me away from God is to be avoided. 

So why rules instead of obedience? As a Christian you know what the Bible says (or you should and/or will know). You are commanded to obey the Text. And when we run afoul of what the Bible commands and many of us do, we are called to repent, throw off that sin, and turn back to the Truth. Turn away from the lies. I read so many lies in between the lines of the 4:43 blog. You know these lies:

•  If I ask too many questions up front, I'll scare him off.
•  If I don't agree to (fill in the blank) he'll leave me alone.
•  How can you marry someone and you've never had sex? 
•  I've already had sex it is harder for me to stop after knowing sexual intimacy.
•  Everyone has premarital sex nowadays.  ("We cry out to God and give in to you.")
•   I can't marry someone I've never lived with; I have to see if we're compatible. 
•   I can't put too many expectations on him; he'll think I'm too much! ("But I never wanted to be too much. Only enough.")

"How did this happen? Why didn't I see it coming? What I did I do wrong? How can I fix it?"

Oh the lies can be deadly...if we don't tell ourselves the truth be sure that our enemy will make sure we not only believe but act on these lies (Rom 6:23). Our idolatry becomes a hamster wheel that negates our hope in Jesus and props a person up as our savior, in error (Rom 1:21-25). As Christians we are not called to perfection because Jesus Christ was perfect for us. However we are not relieved of our responsibility to live holy lives (1 Pet 1:16). Jesus has been gracious enough to give the Christian everything we need to live a godly life (2 Pet 1:3). Not only that but when we fail, we know and believe the Gospel of grace (1Corin 15:1-5), which promises us forgiveness and restoration (1Jn 1:9). We must be willing to call sin, sin...repent and turn away from it.

Even with knowledge of all the above, I'm not so prideful and/or nearsighted enough to flippantly say...just do the right thing. Living holy as a single Christian is clearly not the easiest thing in the world to do. As with anything in this Christian Life, we need Christ. God the Holy Spirit empowers us, directs us, assists us in doing what the Bible calls us to do, which is to walk in obedience to its precepts. And yes, Jesus does give us so much grace; nevertheless the Apostle Paul exhorts us not to abuse the grace of God. (Let it never be so). 

My prayer is that as Christians continue to read the 4:43 blog that we will allow it to cause us to think critically about what is being said. I also pray that we won't openly or silently give approval for sin. This topic is provocative and many, including myself identify with a lot that was shared. I know that we are all broken in various ways. We carry our pain and many times sins committed against us, but this doesn't give us a pass or the right to negate the commands of Scripture. We can share our pain, share possible solutions, but all of it has to be in light of the Gospel. All solutions practical or otherwise should ultimately and continually lead us back to the cross. Christ is where we will find the answers, redemption, direction, wisdom, and comfort we so desperately need.